One of the behaviours used in the eating disorder Bulimia Nervosa is vomiting/purging. People who suffer from bulimia may use vomiting as a way to punish themselves for eating and vomit as an attempt to rid themselves of the food they have just consumed. This behaviour is a very dangerous one and a lot of people are not even aware of the symptoms that you can get from forcing yourself to vomit

                                   
Perceived benefits of vomiting
People with bulimia are not vomiting for no reason. They perceive that vomiting will have some kind of benefit to them with some of those being-

• Feeling thinner after vomiting
• Anxiety caused by eating is removed
• Loss of calories
• A coping stratergy to deal with difficult emotions

In reality only about half of the calories binged are lost through vomiting as retching can cause the food to go further, it is a very dangerous method to use. Vomiting is not something the body should be doing regularly. The body vomits when it has a virus or bacteria and needs to get rid of it. Vomiting regularly can put a strain on the body.

The costs of vomiting.

• Tooth erosion and decay- The high acid in vomit can cause the teeth the erode and decay. 
• Sore mouth and throat - Acid in the vomit can cause the oesophagus to tear or become irritated. A sign of this may be blood in the vomit.
• Heartburn and acid reflux- Can both be caused due to the acid in the vomit. 
• Swelling of the face- salivary glands swell causing swelling and puffiness to the face
• Tiredness- People can become lethargic and lose energy due to the loss of vital minerals through vomiting.
• Hunger increase- Due to getting rid of some of the food you have just eaten it can lead to becoming hungry again.
• Abdominal cramps
• Water and salt imbalances and electrolyte imbalance can cause damage to the heart, muscles and brain. Kidney function can also be affected and in severe cases of bulimia it can be life threatening as it can cause heart attacks.
• Lining of gullet can ulcerate and bleed and could become life threatening if a haemorrhage occurs. 

I was originally going to write this post as one letter that would be addressed to my friends in general. However when I thought about it there are four people in particular that have really helped me in terms of my eating disorder and recovery and I felt like I should write a paragraph addressed to each of them instead just to let them know how much I appreciate all they've done for me. I don't want to write their names in case they aren't comfortable with it but they'll know who they are since they're the only friends I allow to read this blog 😂.





To J,
        You're the friend that I have known the longest and we've literally grown up together through nursery and both schools and we've managed to get through it all together and remain friends now. We might not get to see each other very often but when we do its like nothings changed. I love being able to see your confidence grow with every year we get older and I'm so proud of how far you've come in your career already and it is literally a job that is made for you as you are the nicest person I think I've ever met and through out all the years I've known you I have never known you intentionally hurt anyone. In fact I don't think I've ever seen you hurt anyone by accident either haha. I still remember the first time I told you about my eating disorder and I wasn't even that nervous to do it because I knew that you wouldn't judge me for it. I feel like I can tell you anything and I know that you won't run off and tell everyone.
Thank you for being a great friend and I look forward to the many more year of friendship that we have to come!
From Lorna xxx

To T,
         God I don't even know where to start 😂. You are the weirdest person I have ever met in my entire life but in the best way possible! I never feel afraid or ashamed to tell you anything because I know you'll come back to me with a story thats 1 billion times stranger haha. I told you about my eating disorder a couple of years before I told everyone else and you encouraged me to sort myself out and you was the first person to open my eyes to some of the dangers and strains I was putting on myself by using these disordered behaviours. You always reminded me that I didn't need to put myself through that shit and that I was better than that. I know we hardly see each other anymore but I am very thankful to you for showing me the outcomes an eating disorder can have on a person and for always encouraging me to just be me.
Thank you for being the weirdo that you are and for not ever judging me.
From Lorna xxx

To G,
         You are the first person I go to when I need to have a rant about anything because you take the time to listen to me and help me through times when I'm feeling like shit or I'm over thinking silly little things. You seem to know exactly what to say to stop my mind from going over time and that is honestly exactly what I need when I'm having one of those days. You know what I'm thinking before I even have the chance to tell you 😂. You helped me through so much at the time when I first told anyone about my eating disorder and have done basically every day since. You took me to the hospital when I had to leave class because of palpitations and stayed there with me. When the doctor asked if it was ok to talk about things in front of you, I didn't even hesitate to tell him it was fine because I trusted you and knew that I didn't have to hide anything from you. I can truly say that I don't think I would have been able to stay at uni if it wasn't for you being there for me when I needed you. I still have the texts from when I first told you about it and you responded in a way I can only hope other peoples friends react when they open up to them about their mental health.
Thank you for letting me fill up your messages daily with my rants and for letting me use your netflix 😉 Miss You!!
From Lorna xxx

To S,
         If it wasn't for you I would probably still be keeping it all a secret. Im very thankful for your birthday party and the many shots we did which led me to making that drunk phone call 😂. You lived with me through out probably the shittest time of my life and still managed to put a smile on my face and make me laugh every day. At the time, I didn't know that you and my mum were in contact to keep an eye on me, but I'm grateful that you did because I know it helped her cope a lot better. You did everything you could to help. From hiding the scales that were in the bathroom so that I couldn't weigh myself, distracting me after meals with the television or having us all play board games to waltzing into my room and jumping in my bed when I would try to seclude myself to go and use eating disorder behaviours. I know that I wasn't the easiest person to live with when I was in that place, infact I was a bitch and probably snapped at you and the others way more than I ever should have done. You would stay up on nights when I would come home drunk crying my eyes out because my self esteem was nothing and even though you would have much rather preferred going to sleep you still tried to talk me out of it and cheer me up knowing you was probably going to be in the same situation in a few days when I went out and got drunk again. Even through out all that shit we had the best times! Singing our hearts out to Whitney and trying to produce the best asmr videos that we could 😂. You made me laugh at times when I was the most depressed I have ever been and I honestly love you so much!
Thank you for putting up with my bullshit for that long and for keeping me happy throughout it all.
From Lorna xxx

I love all four of you so much and even though I have tried to explain in this how thankful I am for you all, I don't think it will be possible to actually word just how much you actually mean to me!
Its important to show those that have helped you how grateful you are for them and how much you appreciate all they've done for you, so if you have someone you would like to thank just go ahead and do it!! 😀
            

 If you are struggling with an eating disorder and one of the behaviours you use is starvation then you may have a lot of side effects from this that you aren't even aware are due to your restricting.

This post is going to be a bit of a different one as it is more about my trip to Australia rather than my eating disorder. However I will try to write a few bits about the types of food I had/ how I felt whilst there.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my last appointment at the eating disorder clinic. This time last year I would have walked out of that hospital, that I spent two years in and out of, proud that I had got that far in recovery that I was able to be discharged but at the same time terrified that I would be continuing my recovery process on my own.
This past year without the hospital has been far from easy but it sure has been better than the days I spent stuck in my eating disorder.


The hospital taught me so much to aid my recovery and I will be forever grateful for that and I urge anybody who is dealing with an eating disorder in secret to seek the help!
The past year of dealing with my recovery without the hospital has also taught me a lot.

In the past year I have learnt

• I shouldn't be ashamed of my eating disorder- I used to be so scared people would judge me because of my disorder because of all the stigmas that surround it and this is the main reason I kept it a secret for ten years before telling my family and seeking help. I now wish I had done it earlier and if anybody does judge me for it then they aren't people that are worth having in my life.
• How to deal with falling back into old habits-  As I have said many times in my monthly updates through out this year I have had bad days. Recovery is hard and when you're so used to dealing with your emotions through food and the control of food when something happens (for example when my grandma passed away) it is hard not to fall back into those old eating disorder behaviours and I have slipped up a few times in this year of recovery but unlike the years before I now know not to just think oh well you've ruined your recovery now might as well continue these behaviours. I can now look at why I have fallen back into these behaviours, accept that it happened but know that I'm strong enough to find other coping mechanisms and pick myself back up again.
• To be more open about my feelings- Again something I discuss a lot in my posts is that Im not very good at talking about how I feel. However this past year I haven't had a therapist to talk to, and because of that when I'm feeling down I have learnt to go to my mum and talk to her about it because she's always there to help me. If I'm having eating disorder thoughts again, I know that I can go to my mum and tell her and then because I've been honest with her I know she will be more aware and will help me to not fall back into it. 
• To trust people- I know this sounds very dramatic and I don't mean it to. In the past if somebody gave me a compliment I would think oh they're only saying it because they're my friend or family member or if it was a stranger I would just think they were lying or joking about. I now know its just my own insecurities and people can mean what they say. 
• Not to push people away- This is something I used to do A LOT. I would do it with friends and family members when my eating disorder was at its worst because I just wanted to be on my own. I would do it with guys if they ever told me they liked me or would try to flirt I would push them away because I didn't want to let anyone be close to me but during this past year I met a stranger, told them about my eating disorder (whilst he was still a stranger. Something I don't do)  expecting him to run miles away but he didn't and I've been in a relationship with him for almost a year and now have somebody that I trust and can talk to when I'm not feeling my best. 
• That it's okay to cut people out of your life- If people only bring stress and upset to you, especially  in the stages of recovery its okay to stop contacting them. You don't even have to explain yourself to them if you don't want to. Just get rid of them. Recovery is hard enough and you don't need toxic people just adding more drama to your life. 

Self esteem is the amount of value we consider we are worth. A lot of things can knock our self esteem from bullying, losing someone we are close to, being abused and more.

It is easy to get caught up in the habit of comparing ourselves to others which can massively knock our self esteem.

Thoughts we may have when dealing with a low self esteem will be negative and self critical. You can feel worthless, incompetent and like a failure which then can affect how you behave. Having a low self esteem can lead to anxiety and depression as we feel as though we are not good enough.


Thinking differently

• Stop comparing another persons highlights to your own life- This one is an important one. I would say the biggest thing that knocks my self esteem is when I compare myself to others. Don't believe everything you see/hear. People will usually tell you the good things that are happening in their lives and keep the negatives hidden. 
• Ask yourself is this really a fact or just my opinion- I have done a blog post on facts and opinions so if you haven't read that go and do so. A lot of the negative things you see in yourself others don't see and just because you think negatively of aspects of yourself doesn't mean those around you do too. 
• Ask yourself how others would see it- Would your friend say these things to you? If no, why are you allowing yourself to think this way? Figure out what it is thats making you feel bad so that you can work around it. 
• What would I say to someone else in this situation- Imagine a friend has approached you and is saying the things you're saying about yourself. What would you say to them? What would you advise them to do?

Don't even know where to start with this but buckle yourself in and get ready for a rant…

As some of you may know from my other bog posts I have been unemployed for almost a year (I have done unpaid work during this time.) I left my last place of work due to the fact I was still in therapy for my eating disorder and my therapist said she didn't think that the job was helping me with my recovery and was making my mental health issues worse because I wasn't able to stick to meal plans and it also made my anxiety worse which in turn made my eating disorder step up again. She said it was in my best interest to quit and I 100% agree even now because during this time I haven't worked my mental health has improved unbelievably. I have been looking for work the whole time I've been unemployed but seeking work in the industry Ive always wanted to work in and have studied to work in but this hasn't worked out at all (if you read this blog often you'll probably already know this as I've discussed it many times before). It makes me upset that I studied for this many years, whilst dealing with mental health issues, spending thousands of pounds on my education to then come out of it with too many rejections to count.

During this year out of work, I have realised how judgemental people are about those that are out of work. For some reason people (even people who aren't close to me)  think because I don't work its acceptable for them to ask me where my money is coming from, and how I can afford things when I don't have a job. When I have had jobs, I have put majority of my wages into a savings account due to that I have managed to cope with out a job for most of this year. Recently I have had support from my parents who do everything they can for me and my brother. I sell clothes on apps and I do surveys to earn points to convert to money. I don't really know why I feel like I have to justify where I get my money from because you don't see me asking others "How are you always skint if you've got a full time job?" and do you know why I don't ask? Because its none of my damn business!!

People seem to think all I've done in the past year is sleep till 3pm and watch youtube videos for the rest of the day and yeah I'm not going to lie I have done that at times when I have felt really down but I have also done a lot of writing from my scripts that I send off to competitions, I have wrote posts for this blog and posts for other mental health websites, both of which involve quite a lot of research at times. I have been trying to build my own business and looked into business courses, Ive applied to more jobs than I can count, Ive dealt with my mental health issues every single day, Ive changed my cv every other week because I've been confused as to what I'm doing wrong.

Literally every day of my life I worry about what people are saying about me because I haven't got a job. I hate going to events because one of the first things you get asked is "where are you working now?" and it makes me feel like shit and like I have to justify my reason for being unemployed.. I don't get any benefit money and never have (not that there is anything wrong with receiving benefits).

I just wish people wouldn't be so quick to judge because one day it could be them in the same position as me!

Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get it off my mind, if any of you have similar experiences feel free to comment on here.

                                                                                Lorna
                                                                                  xxx
                 

Mental health is not an easy topic to talk about but it is so important that it is discussed. Although the conversations can be difficult and uncomfortable to talk about we need to do it so that they are widely understood. Recently more television shows and films are causing discussions in the media as they use taboo story lines, One of those being "13 Reasons Why." which I have already reviewed on this blog.

The film I will be discussing today is "To The Bone." A film staring Lily Collins who plays Ellen, a young women who is suffering from anorexia. The film follows her as she deals with her dysfunctional family and ultimately moves into a treatment centre for people dealing with eating disorders.

As someone who has dealt with the issues shown in this film, I will discuss if I thought it showed a realistic portrayal of eating disorders. This review is my personal response and I am in no way trying to tell you how you should feel about the film. This is probably going to be a longer post because I have a lot of thoughts on this film. This review will contain spoilers…

The first thing I want to make clear is that if you are currently in a bad place with your mental health, struggling with your eating disorder or haven't got far enough into your recovery then it is best not to watch the film as certain aspects of it can be triggering.

The Director of the film Marti Nixon and Lily Collins (Ellen) both suffered with eating disorders in their personal life. In one sense I think its important to have people that have dealt with the issues on set and involved in creating something that handles these subjects, as it is necessary to give a real and accurate representation of eating disorders in the film. However, something that massively concerned me is the fact that Lily Collins was cast as the main character and had to lose weight for the role. As she is someone who has dealt with and overcome an eating disorder in her past I think it is quite dangerous to allow her to go back into that kind of mind frame to allow a true performance. These big production companies wouldn't hire a recovered drug addict to play a character and say to them oh just take this drug one last time just to give us a realistic shot. An eating disorder is like an addiction and I worry for Lily and her mental health after the film was made. I have heard that she had to work with a dietician through out and apparently it was in her contract to gain the weight back but as someone who has gone through an eating disorder I can't imagine throwing myself back into it for months of filming and being mentally well afterwards.

I was initially worried that the film would glamorise eating disorders but I couldn't have been more wrong. In my opinion the film doesn't glamourise it at all and in fact acknowledges that they aren't attractive. There is a scene where Ellen's stepmother takes photos of her and shows them to her and asks is she thinks its beautiful and her response is "No." Theres also a scene with her sister when her sister tells her she looks like crap. Her mother tells her she looks like a ghost. They have her character in baggy clothes the whole way through it and they don't once try to make her seem "beautiful". They show the ugly truths and repercussions of this disorder as they show her bruised spine from sit ups, she talks about losing her period, they show her "furry." arms and her doctor tells her she won't wake up if she carries on.

My favourite thing about the film was that they showed that eating disorders are not bias and anybody can be effected. They had a male character, characters of different sizes, characters of different races, they had different sexual orientations shown and another thing the film did that I thought was massively important was that they showed other eating disorders with in the treatment centre instead of just the characters with anorexia.

The film shows the sneakiness that can go on within the hospitals and treatment centres, some of this can be triggering.They show devious behaviours before appointments, they show hiding of vomit and blackmail between patients as they try to keep each others secretive behaviours quiet. It additionally shows the competitiveness in the treatment centre which is something I feel needs to be discussed more around eating disorders as people usually shy away from it however the film shows this aspect when Megan asks Ellen how many times she's been inpatient and seems prouder that she's done it more times.

A large part of the film is spent portraying how these disorders not only effect the sufferer but also those around them. We see this through the use of the family therapy scene. All of her family seem to be blaming each other for why she has this disorder and the doctor tells them its not as simple as that. In my opinion her step mother doesn't seem to understand it very well but still tries to help her and I feel like most of us that have gone through it can probably relate to having someone like that in our lives. A part of the film that got to me was when her sister gets upset and angry about how its effecting her too as it shows how this disorder doesn't just rip things away from you but from those around you too. A scene that I relate to and which is probably my favourite part of the film would be when they've been on the trip and Ellen is telling Dr Beckham how the world is beautiful but she can't stop her disorder. That made me tear up a bit because I was in that place for many years thinking that nothing was going to get better and that I wouldn't be able to stop the behaviours and when Dr Beckham tells her to tell the voice to fuck off also got to me as this is where I am at in my recovery now. I have learnt that things get better and that things are getting better and now I'm just learning to deal with the voice and trying to ignore it. Another scene that I got emotional at was the moment with her mum when she accepts being fed by her because to me this is the moment she realises she wants to get better after hearing her mum say she's accepted that if she wants to die thats okay. I related to this because I think it took me seeing how much my disorder was effecting my own mum to realise that I truly wanted to get better for her and for myself.

Something I did not like about the film was the scene towards the end when she seems to be hallucinating. It does look cinematically beautiful but I just didn't think it needed to be there when the rest of the film was showing the realness of the disorders.

I was slightly worried that If I watched it elements, within the film could trigger me, but the fact that when it finished I went downstairs and got an ice cream sandwich out of the freezer shows how far I've come into my recovery but for those of you that are still feeling vulnerable I would suggest not watching it or if you go ahead and do so anyway and find something triggers you then do reach out to someone for support (my messages on instagram and comment section are always open for you).

Overall I enjoyed the film and could relate to it and feel like it did give a real insight into life with an eating disorder and I'm glad it is opening up more discussion about mental health. I know the film has had some bad responses due to the fact people are taking photos of the characters body from the film and using it as inspiration however people who are unwell are going to do this regardless and if it wasn't from this film they'd just go and get a picture from somewhere else. The most important thing for me was that the film promoted recovery and in my opinion it does just that! It shows that the character of Lucas is the one out of the treatment centre who has come the furthest in his recovery and they show him as being the happiest one and that is what I loved about the film. The one character who was eating and showing the most progress into recovery was the one shown to be the funny, motivated one trying to help all the other patients to get better.
 If any of you have already watched it and have the same opinion or even a totally different response to the film then feel free to leave me a comment discussing your own thoughts.

                                                              Lorna
                                                               XXX

I wrote this blog post while I was on holiday in Ibiza a few weeks ago but I couldn't upload it at the time due to lack of internet connection so I am uploading it now instead.

In our everyday lives we tend to get caught up in our emotions. Obviously this is a very natural thing to do, however it becomes a problem when we get so caught up in it that we allow it to effect how we view ourselves and let it take complete control of how we feel and act.

We are driven by our emotion which can also strengthen our opinions and get us caught in a cycle of believing things we think about ourselves are a fact.

A fact is defined as being something that has evidence to support that it is true. A fact is indisputable and is rational.
An opinion is defined as being a personal view or belief, it is arguable and is usually driven by emotion.

If you start to view something which is your opinion as a fact it can lead to impulsive actions which can become damaging. Especially in terms of your mental health.

Acknowledging that many of our own thoughts about our bodies/ ourselves in general are actually an opinion rather than a fact can make it less likely for us to allow it to effect us and become distressed by our thoughts. If we see that a lot of our thoughts are actually an opinion it makes it easier for us to rationalise things and make calmer more thought out decisions.

It is helpful to ask yourself is what I'm thinking an opinion or a fact?

For example… If you text a friend or family member and they don't respond you might instantly jump straight into thinking they're being rude or you've done something to upset them and they don't want to talk to you, which may lead to consequential actions, when in reality the only fact out of the situation is that you haven't had a response yet everything else is an opinion.

The next time you start to have negative thoughts about yourself ask yourself if its really true or if thats just in your opinion and most of the time you'll realise you aren't rationally thinking and your harshly critiquing yourself over small things that don't matter/ other people don't see.

The technique of questioning if things are a fact or opinion is something that I learnt whilst in therapy and I hope that by discussing the techniques I personally found helpful it can help any of you that are reading this.

                                                                  Lorna
                                                                    xxx

I recently saw this tag over on Hollie Roses blog and although she created it in 2015 its inspired me to do it on this blog now. She said that she created it to help spread awareness of mental health so if any of you are reading this and want to get involved then please do.

Now lets get straight into it…

1. What is your Mental Health Issue?
 I have struggled with eating disorders, anxiety and depression.

2. Do you have medication and/or therapy?
I am now recovered so do not use any medication or attend therapy

3. What therapy/medication have you tried and has any worked for you?
 In the past I was prescribed Fluoxetine but I didn't like it so came off them pretty quickly. The therapy I have taken part in include group therapy, CBT and EMDR therapy. I would say for me personally, all of the therapy sessions helped me a lot more than the medication ever did.

4. How long have you had problems for?
My eating disorder started around the age of 10 however I did not seek help till I had just turned 20. I would say I started to get more anxious and depressed at high school.

5. Do your family/friends know?
My close family and friends all know but no not everybody knows about it.

6. Does this effect your work and daily living?
Yes massively, I had to quit my job last year due to it. I am now recovered but I still have destructive thoughts and bad days to deal with.

7. What makes you feel calm?
Seeing friends, writing, talking to my parents or boyfriend about how I'm feeling. I think I'm most calm if I have been able to tell someone when I'm struggling because then I don't have a million thoughts racing around my head.

8. What do you do in a crisis?
If I'm in a crisis I will talk to my mum about it and she will help me work it out 💖

9. What advice would you give others that are suffering?
The advice that I would give someone who is suffering from a mental health issue would be, know that you are worth recovery! Seek help and don't go through it alone.

10. What makes you smile?
Getting comments and messages from people saying that my blog has helped them, my family and my friends.

11. Describe your Mental Health Issue in five words.
Consuming, tiring, obnoxious, misleading and claustrophobic.

12. Insert a picture to make people smile.
Have this photo of these lion cubs just because they're my favourite 😂

• That they no longer have motivation for things they once loved doing- Depression can effect your motivation and can make you withdraw from hobbies you may have once enjoyed.
• Upset- This is one to be careful of as everyone goes through stages of being upset, however those with depression will likely feel this way for majority of their day to day life.
• Guilty- Depression can cause a persons thoughts to blow things out of proportion and their mind can go on overdrive leading them to feel guilty about something they may have done. 
• Anxious- People with depression often experience symptoms related to anxiety. 
• Irritable- their tolerance level can become extremely low meaning that a lot more situations/people can start to get on their nerves
• Hopeless- They may feel like they have nothing left and nobody to turn to and that things aren't going to get better.
• Low self esteem- People with depression will usually feel bad about themselves and a low self esteem can actually be one of the causes of depression. They will usually harshly criticise themselves and their actions. 

Competitiveness in eating disorders is something that I don't feel is discussed a lot. People feel ashamed of their eating disorders but another form of shame comes along with feeling competitive with others in the same situation as you.

For me personally I was quiet about my eating disorder for ten years so it was something I felt very attached to and protective of. I was jealous of other people that would openly talk about their issue and I would look at them with thoughts like "Yeah, well I'm ill too!" "I need help too.". This sounds so awful but eating disorders are awful. They change your mind set and make you think disturbing thoughts. My eating disorder would look at others that had eating disorders and tell me I wasn't sick enough, I didn't deserve help because I didn't look like that person which would then make me want to look as poorly as that person as a cry for help and a way to prove to people I was ill.
A time when I struggled with this most was the month leading up to me starting my group therapy because I was in the mind set that everyone was going to be slimmer than me and that they'd judge me so I needed to lose weight to look like them (I had never even met them before so had no reason to assume any of this). Your eating disorder wants you to be the thinnest one in the room which leads you into a vicious cycle of competitiveness and comparison.
When you have an eating disorder you don't ever win. No size will ever be "good enough."

I remember being in group therapy and I don't want to go into too much detail about it because it wouldn't be fair but there was a girl in the group who was more vocal about her struggles and it did feel like she was quite competitive about making sure she was seen as the worst and I remember getting mad about it during every session and I would rant about it to my mum. I would be thinking whys she saying these things? why does she think that? Why is she trying to make it out like she's had it harder than the rest of us? When in reality she was just being more vocal about what she had been doing than any of the rest of us. She was ill. I was ill. We were both in the same situation. We both deserved recovery.

Due to the attachment I had with my eating disorder I felt like it was mine and I didn't like it when somebody else expressed they had the same struggles because in a way, it felt like they were taking it away from me. I do think that the competitiveness comes from anger of the things that you've gone through and the things that you've done to yourself because to you the things that you have put yourself through are so huge so if you have somebody else saying I did this or I did that then it can feel like the behaviours you used yourself have been somehow dismissed and that hurts.

Now that I have got out of that mind frame and it does make me look back at old thoughts I used to have and think why?
Why did I ever want to be the unhealthiest?
What was so attractive about being seen as the unhealthiest?
The reality is I thought that way because I wanted to justify that I was poorly enough to get help. I wanted to know that the things I had put myself through weren't going to be ignored.

Everybody has their own story and their own struggles and there is no point comparing them with other  peoples. We are all worthy of recovery ❤️

Todays post is one that I never normally do as I will be discussing a Netflix show. The particular show today will be "13 reasons Why."
Some of you may be aware that I am a Film and Television graduate so I have spent years studying how to create film and television shows and it is something that I am passionate about and like to discuss but haven't before on this blog because this blog is a mental heath blog not a Film and Television review blog. However… The show that I am going to talk about contains taboo subjects and is relevant to this blog due to some of the story lines involved, so I thought I would write up some of my thoughts.

This post may contain some spoilers so do be aware of that before continuing on. All thoughts are my own and I am not saying you should agree with me so if you do have any opposing views do feel free to leave comments and let me know your personal views on the show 😊. Now lets get straight into it…

I first decided I would watch the show because I knew that Pretty Little Liars was coming to its last season and I needed a new series to watch. Now I didn't realise every episode was available straight away when I first started to watch it, so I thought that like Pretty Little Liars it may be updated weekly. Due to all the episodes being available I did watch them all in a shorter space of time than originally planned. Each episode is around 50-60 minutes long and there are 13 episodes in this season hence the "13 reasons why." as each episode is dedicated to one of the reasons.

The story revolves around Hannah Baker. A teen who ends her life and leaves a series of tapes that she pre-recorded before her death which are addressed to people who had an impact on her decision to commit suicide. Each of the 13 tapes are focused on what different characters did to her while she was alive (some seeming rather minor compared to some of the heavier topics that are heard through her own voice). She has clearly planned everything out down to what order she wants the tapes to be listened to and the fact that she has the characters going around town to different locations.



The show is great at raising awareness for bullying and showing the consequences that could happen through bullying behaviours. The show does show that you should treat others as you would like to be treated and it raises awareness for other issues such as suicide and slut shaming.
I would say that the key aspect of the show is that it shows that actions that may seem trivial to others could really deeply hurt somebody else. Through the use of the storyline about the poem being printed it shows that something an adult wouldn't think twice about is something that could feel like the end of the world to somebody in a vulnerable situation. I remember being at school and feeling like the way I was being treated would last forever and I don't feel that the show does enough to show that this isn't true to its audience (a lot of whom are of the age of the characters and are still in school).
Another aspect that I think is importantly reinforced is the devastation that suicide leaves behind. Showing how Hannah's parents struggle to cope with her death is so important. It shows their confusion as to why she did this which, I think shows parents that there isn't always huge warning signs when they're child is crying out for help.

I think that it is important to highlight the stories that are in the show and to raise awareness and the show definitely does this through the use of its scenes which contain dark matters. The show intended for these scenes to make its audience feel uncomfortable as it reveals the harsh realities of the experiences that Hannah goes through.
My issue with the show is that it focuses so much of its attention on the "reasons" and that may cause some of its younger more vulnerable audience members to make irrational decisions based on smaller circumstances. Also the parts when she tries to seek help and is basically ignored is something that I did not like as these kind of things are already difficult to be brave enough to talk about, so to show her pleads for help being ignored isn't really encouraging for its audience to seek help but I must say that this does slightly redeem itself at the end of the show when it shows that Jessica is about to seek help by telling her dad.
I am really glad that it has done so much to raise awareness on bullying, suicide and sexual assault but I do feel there was too much blaming of other characters and not enough of a discussion on the mental health side of Hannah's problems and her consequentel suicide.

I enjoyed the show and I am glad that it is creating an open discussion about bullying and is raising awareness to suicide however the show contains scenes that could be extremely triggering to some people and it should be watched with caution by those that are in a vulnerable situation/place.


Lorna
xxx

Today is going to be another quick post to tell you about a petition that you should all take a look at.

These days with the rise of social media influencers from youtube stars to instagram models, it is easy for us to feel like we should be successful at a younger age as we constantly see photos of people our own age going on luxury holidays, attending red carpet events and being cover stars of some of our favourite magazines.
I am 22 years old and everyday I see these people online and compare their lifestyles to my own. Its hard not to get jealous seeing someone my own age buying a mansion and living out their dreams whilst I'm currently working unpaid and living at home with my parents with no money to have a social life.
I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves to have succeeded already and play down what we may have already overcome just because we aren't making as much money as people we see online everyday. I have discussed this with a few of my friends and it seems like we are all in a similar mind frame when it comes to feeling down about not achieving what we feel is enough.
Im sorry but we are in our early twenties and we shouldn't expect ourselves to have our shit together. We are recent graduates still trying to find our feet in a world where most jobs are asking for more that 3 years experience for an entry level job! (Don't ask Im just as confused as you are).
A lot of A-list celebrities didn't make it big till they were in their 40s but they got there by not giving up. Look at Samuel L Jackson, one of Hollywoods most treasured stars he gained his award winning role in "Jungle Fever." at the age of 43. Vera Wang didn't enter into the fashion designing industry till she was 40 years old and look at her now!

It okay that we don't have everything together. Its also okay to admit that you may be struggling. Everything happens for a reason and I really do believe this.
I think we all need to stop comparing others successes to our own. Not everything you see online is "real." and you never know what these people are going through behind closed doors themselves.

I have achieved so much in the past year. Things that I never thought I would have been able to do and I need to keep reminding myself of that. My achievements should not be downplayed just because my life isn't perfect. Nobodies lives are perfect, even if thats what it may seem like from the outside.
I managed to graduate from university whilst struggling with my mental health. I was discharged from the hospital that I was attending weekly for therapy sessions because they thought I had progressed so much that I could do it on my own and they were right! Yes I still have days were I struggle but I have done amazingly and have come so far and Im proud to be able to say that. I have the most amazing family and friends that I could wish for. Yes I might be working unpaid right now but it is a job that I enjoy and that will hopefully lead me into more paid work in the career that I have always dreamed to have.


Heres to hoping in a few years I can look back at this post whilst I'm sat on a beach somewhere drinking a cocktail writing my next screen play laughing at how worried I was for no reason 😂
But for now 22 year old Lorna is just going to try her best to stay motivated and to stop comparing herself to others! 

Todays post is going to be aimed at people that may be concerned about somebody they knows behaviours around food and their body. I am going to be listing some signs that could point towards somebody having bulimia but please keep in mind, just because somebody may do some of these behaviours it doesn't mean they definitely have an eating disorder and also somebody doesn't have to use all these behaviours to have an eating disorder.

Physical signs

• Swelling of the cheeks (hamster/chipmunk cheeks)- This is a sign that is harder to hide. Self induced vomiting can cause the face to swell (particularly the parotid glands). This happens because of the water loss which happens with self induced vomiting you end up with water retention in your glands. 
• Teeth discolouration- The acid from your stomach, which is brought up during a purge, strips enamel from your teeth causing discolouration of the teeth and can cause tooth decay. Also because the sufferer may not be getting the sufficient nutrients the teeth can become weaker. 
• Marks on hands/knuckles from self induced vomiting- You may find that a bulimics hands have cuts and callouses on the fingers and particularly the knuckles due to using fingers in the throat to induce vomiting. This happens because of the teeth biting or scraping the hand/fingers from the gag reflex. 
• Fluctuating weight- Typically a bulimic is of an average weight (personally hate that term, but we shall leave that for another post). I know for me personally throughout my time with bulimia my weight would fluctuate a lot depending if I was going through a stage of starvation and then into a binge/purge stage because my body was trying to cling on to whatever I was eventually eating. 
• Smell of vomit- This is an obvious warning sign. If you go into their room when they've disappeared after a meal and you can smell vomit or if they come downstairs from using the toilet after a meal and their breath smells like vomit or even sometimes tooth paste as if they've just cleaned their teeth or rinsed with mouth wash this is a huge warning sign and should be taken seriously. 
• Over exercising- Bulimics may tend to have an obsession with exercising. Obviously exercise is healthy for you but be aware if somebody is taking it to an extreme. 

• If the toilet flushes multiple times- If someone has purged in the toilet the remnants of the vomit may still be left after the first flush. Somebody who is trying to hide their eating disorder will want to ensure all signs of the purge has gone so therefore may need to flush the toilet multiple times. 
• Toilet paper placed in the toilet after flushing- This is another thing some people may use to hide remnants of a purge as you can still be left with floating bits and the toilet paper conceals this and also absorbs the greasy layer that may be left after a purge. 
• Disappearing after meals- If someone disappears to the toilet after meals consistently this can be another sign of bulimia. If they are spending a long time in the bathroom that is something to look out for and also if you hear the tap running they may be trying to conceal a purge. It doesn't always have to be disappearing to the toilet though. I used to be aware people would get suspicious if I kept disappearing to the toilet so I would shut myself away in my bedroom instead. 
• Evidence of a binge- If someone is binge eating there is more than likely going to be wrappers that they need to hide. If you come across a large quantity of wrappers or containers that seem like there has been an attempt to hide them then that is something to be suspicious of. You may also find receipts that have been thrown out or hidden which contain a large amount of food on. A lot of bulimics may also have secret stashes of food ready for when they have the impulse to binge so be aware of that if you find hidden food. 

Psychological Signs 

• Isolating self- When suffering from bulimia a person can want to isolate themselves as it brings their mood down and they may not want to socialise. Along with that, another factor of isolating themselves is the obvious reason of wanting privacy to binge and purge. 
• If they make frequent negative comments about their body image- If they seem to be obsessive over their appearance and their weight or if you see them constantly body checking in mirrors this could be a warning sign. 
• If they show signs of anxiety, depression, self harm or have a lot of mood swings. Sufferers of eating disorders can also have trouble with other mental health disorder which can push them further into their eating disorders. A lot of people with eating disorders use they behaviours as a coping method for their anxieties. Due to the strain they put on themselves with their bulimia it can cause sufferers to have a short temper especially when being questioned about their behaviours. 

Obviously some of these warning signs do not mean that a person definitely has an eating disorder. Please take into consideration that somebody may just have a low self esteem and need help building their confidence. These are just a few signs to look out for if you are worried about somebody and their relationship with food. If you feel like somebody you know may have an eating disorder talk to them in a calm and understanding manner and show them that you're there to help them and if they do have a problem make sure you support them with the next steps of going to a GP.

                                                           Hope this post may have helped you
                                                                                 Lorna
                                                                                 XXX

Just a quick post for you today. There is currently a petition going around with the eating disorder charity Beat to ensure that GPs are given the full training when eating disorders are involved and also to get an increase on funding for specialist services.
For me personally my experience with my GP was a really good one and she handled everything with care and understanding. However, unfortunately a number of people who approach their GPs do not get treated the same way I did and are turned away if their weight isn't considered dangerous. It is important that eating disorders are treated quickly and efficiently before the patient falls further into the cycle of the eating disorder. The sooner someones eating disorder is discovered the more chance they have of recovery so it is a huge benefit if the GPs can refer them as soon as possible instead of them being turned away.

I have put the link to the petition below and would highly encourage you all to take a look and sign it. All that is required is your country and your email address.

Lets make a change so that eating disorders become more widely understood.

Lorna
xxx

https://campaigning.b-eat.co.uk/page/6557/petition/1?ea.tracking.id=facebook

As well as all the obvious coping techniques and all of the hows and whys I have learnt whilst in the process of recovery, I feel that I have also learnt a few life lessons that could prove useful for others and it is also helpful for me to actually see them wrote down as it is there as a reminder for myself too. Lets just go straight into the things I have learnt over the past two years…

Its okay to admit things are not okay
Im one of those types of people that can't admit things aren't okay, but I'm also the kind of person who's face says everything Im feeling. The combination of those two aspects of myself always ends up with being asked if you're okay and having to grit your teeth and say every things fine. I don't really open up to people unless I'm 100% comfortable with them and I tend to push people away but after opening up to people I'm closest to Ive realised they haven't judged me and anyone that does judge me isn't worth my time. I now know that I can go to my mum when ever I feel like Im having a bad day and tell her and she will help me through it.

You will have bad days.
You aren't going to miraculously be able to get over everything as soon as you seek help. It takes time and there will be days that are worse than others but you've just go to acknowledge your feelings and not let it ruin the progress that you have been making. The best things in life do not come easy :)

If things get on top of me and I use an old eating disorder behaviour it is not the end of the world
Yes you do feel a bit of shame but do not let that shame push you back into your disorder. Accept that it has happened, try to recognise what has triggered it and think of what other coping method you can use the next time a trigger occurs.

Don't take your emotions out on those closest to you
This is something I used to do a lot and is something Im still trying to deal with now. I would get angry about everything and because I didn't have another outlet I would take it out on friends and family who didn't deserve it as they were only trying to help. I have had quite a few arguments and fall outs because of this and it is important to recognise when you're in the wrong and apologise for it and open up about why you acted out so that they can understand. Although I would advise talking about how you're feeling instead of waiting for an argument to occur haha.

People aren't talking about you/judging you as much as you think
I get paranoid way too quickly and my anxiety makes me feel like people are judging me or talking about me, which isn't realistic at all. There is no point worrying what others think of you because in all honesty they're probably too busy worrying what others will think of them instead of standing around judging you.

The thoughts you have about yourself and believe to be true are not always the truth
Everybody has insecurities and most of the time the people around you won't even be aware of the thing you dislike about yourself. When you look in the mirror and see your problem areas it doesn't mean everybody else notices it. It is hard to look in the mirror and not see/focus on the things you dislike. People are way too self critical and in some cases the things you hate about yourself will be the things others think are beautiful and unique.

Don't think you will be happier if you just lose a little bit of weight
Allow me to let you in on a secret… IT WONT MAKE YOU HAPPY. You'll always want to lose a little bit more. Work on accepting yourself as you already are and that will make you so much happier.

Don't let your illness define you.
Yes I might be somebody who has dealt with an eating disorder but my eating disorder is not the only thing I am. It is hard trying to see yourself with out your eating disorder and this was one of the very first things we had to do in my group therapy. It is so important that you see yourself as more than just your eating disorder because this makes it easier for you to recognise and separate your "eating disorder voice." to that of your own thoughts making recovery so much easier.

It has been a long two years of working towards recovery but I'm happy with the stage that I am at now and am thankful for the opportunities I was given by the hospital. I hope you've enjoyed all of this weeks posts and hope they may have helped you in some way and if you are trying to work out if you should speak out and get help then I hope these posts have helped to show you that it is the best thing you can do for yourself.




                                                                  Lorna
                                                                    xxx