As well as all the obvious coping techniques and all of the hows and whys I have learnt whilst in the process of recovery, I feel that I have also learnt a few life lessons that could prove useful for others and it is also helpful for me to actually see them wrote down as it is there as a reminder for myself too. Lets just go straight into the things I have learnt over the past two years…

Its okay to admit things are not okay
Im one of those types of people that can't admit things aren't okay, but I'm also the kind of person who's face says everything Im feeling. The combination of those two aspects of myself always ends up with being asked if you're okay and having to grit your teeth and say every things fine. I don't really open up to people unless I'm 100% comfortable with them and I tend to push people away but after opening up to people I'm closest to Ive realised they haven't judged me and anyone that does judge me isn't worth my time. I now know that I can go to my mum when ever I feel like Im having a bad day and tell her and she will help me through it.

You will have bad days.
You aren't going to miraculously be able to get over everything as soon as you seek help. It takes time and there will be days that are worse than others but you've just go to acknowledge your feelings and not let it ruin the progress that you have been making. The best things in life do not come easy :)

If things get on top of me and I use an old eating disorder behaviour it is not the end of the world
Yes you do feel a bit of shame but do not let that shame push you back into your disorder. Accept that it has happened, try to recognise what has triggered it and think of what other coping method you can use the next time a trigger occurs.

Don't take your emotions out on those closest to you
This is something I used to do a lot and is something Im still trying to deal with now. I would get angry about everything and because I didn't have another outlet I would take it out on friends and family who didn't deserve it as they were only trying to help. I have had quite a few arguments and fall outs because of this and it is important to recognise when you're in the wrong and apologise for it and open up about why you acted out so that they can understand. Although I would advise talking about how you're feeling instead of waiting for an argument to occur haha.

People aren't talking about you/judging you as much as you think
I get paranoid way too quickly and my anxiety makes me feel like people are judging me or talking about me, which isn't realistic at all. There is no point worrying what others think of you because in all honesty they're probably too busy worrying what others will think of them instead of standing around judging you.

The thoughts you have about yourself and believe to be true are not always the truth
Everybody has insecurities and most of the time the people around you won't even be aware of the thing you dislike about yourself. When you look in the mirror and see your problem areas it doesn't mean everybody else notices it. It is hard to look in the mirror and not see/focus on the things you dislike. People are way too self critical and in some cases the things you hate about yourself will be the things others think are beautiful and unique.

Don't think you will be happier if you just lose a little bit of weight
Allow me to let you in on a secret… IT WONT MAKE YOU HAPPY. You'll always want to lose a little bit more. Work on accepting yourself as you already are and that will make you so much happier.

Don't let your illness define you.
Yes I might be somebody who has dealt with an eating disorder but my eating disorder is not the only thing I am. It is hard trying to see yourself with out your eating disorder and this was one of the very first things we had to do in my group therapy. It is so important that you see yourself as more than just your eating disorder because this makes it easier for you to recognise and separate your "eating disorder voice." to that of your own thoughts making recovery so much easier.

It has been a long two years of working towards recovery but I'm happy with the stage that I am at now and am thankful for the opportunities I was given by the hospital. I hope you've enjoyed all of this weeks posts and hope they may have helped you in some way and if you are trying to work out if you should speak out and get help then I hope these posts have helped to show you that it is the best thing you can do for yourself.




                                                                  Lorna
                                                                    xxx

After I had opened up to people closest to me things didn't get better straight away. There was a lot of situations that bothered me and made things difficult. In this post I am going to talk about the things that I found difficult to cope with at the time so that if anybody else can relate to these things I can show that it is normal and that it does get better, you just have to work through it.

Admiting things I had done
It was difficult discussing with people all the things that I had done through out the time with my eating disorder. Obviously things that you do due to your eating disorder aren't seen as "normal" behaviours and some people can find it shocking so it was scary to open up about it but most of the people I did tell where all understanding about it so that was helpful.

Opening up to other people e.g. friends/ other family members/ doctors
This was another thing I found difficult because I didn't understand if people had already had suspicions or not and it was strange having a variety of people either say things made sense to them or that they didn't have a clue. I wasn't always aware of how to react to them or how much I should tell them.

Feeling like everyone was watching me eat
I think this was probably the thing that I found most difficult. Obviously people are going to be worried about you once they find out so they are going to try their best to monitor you, although this is a good thing, when you still have an eating disorder it is so hard sitting there eating knowing people are watching you because your eating disorder is telling you " they're not going to believe you, you're sat there eating." and then it makes you more paranoid about what you're eating/how much you are eating and you have all these thoughts running through your head. It gets easier the further into recovery you get.

Not having the freedom to use behaviours I was used to
Once your loved ones know about your disorder they will probably do their own research into it so they know the signs and when you're in your eating disorder this will anger you because all you want is to be left alone so you can take part in your behaviours. I wanted to be able to be on my own after meals but my parents would take me out on a walk so that I couldn't.

Having to be weighed at every appointment
I absolutely detested having to have this done. I hadn't been able to weigh myself in so long because my mum had thrown the scales away at home and my flat mates at uni hid the ones we had there which meant I didn't know how much I weighed myself so I was uncomfortable getting on scales in front of hospital staff because I didn't want anybody to know my weight. I still don't weigh myself to this day because I know that is something that will trigger me.

Feeling like people wouldn't believe me
This thought I had a lot. This thought is what sent me into self destruct when I first told anyone about my disorder. I lost a lot more weight once I opened up about it because I felt like I had to prove to everyone that I really was ill because I was that desperate for help. Please don't think that you have to do this. Eating disorders do not have a shape or size and the professionals know this. You do not have to prove yourself to anyone. Just be honest about what you're going through.

When you keep things to yourself for so long it is scary to allow others in on the secret. You'll be wondering if they believe you or not or that they're going to change their opinion of you but if someone does change their opinion of you even when you've just had the courage to open up to them then they're honestly not worth your time. Luckily for me I didn't have to deal with that as everyone was supportive so just take the chance and tell someone so that it can make it easier for you to deal with. You shouldn't have to deal with it on your own.


                                                             Lorna
                                                              xxx

This post is going to be discussing what happened during my evaluation at the eating disorder clinic that my GP referred me to. I hope that by sharing my experiences it will help to push other people to seek help if they need it.

On the day of my evaluation I was extremely nervous and was convinced that they would not believe me because I wasn't skeletal. My mum came into the hospital and sat in the waiting room with me and stayed there whilst I had my evaluation. I was sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever and my mind was racing with too many thoughts to even make sense of. I was sat shaking, nearly crying and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Im shocked that I didn't actually walk out at any point.

I was actually really nervous to even ask my mum to do this post because although these days I am honest with her about my eating disorder and when Im feeling down, we've never really discussed how she feels/felt about everything and I think in some ways I have purposefully avoided asking her about it because its hard for me to hear how my eating disorder has affected those closet to me but if these kind of posts can help any other person suffering with an eating disorder or a parent thats child may be going through something similar then I am willing to discuss it openly :') p.s anything in brackets in her answers is me explaining what she is talking about so that you can understand her answers properly.

For this post I will be asking my mum some questions relating to my eating disorder and how she felt when she first found out and how she has dealt with it since. Now I am just going to say that a few tears were shed from both of us when I sat down and talked with her about it all and this was probably the hardest post that I have had to write because it isn't fun hearing what other people have gone through because of your disorder but anyways I'm just going to jump straight into the questions and her answers now…

What was your first thought/reaction when I first told you over the phone?
My first reaction was oh shit. How are we going to deal with this when you're not here (I was  studying at university at the time) and I can't see you. It was hard being told over the phone because I couldn't cuddle you or come to pick you up straight away.

Had you ever been suspicious that I may have had an eating disorder before I actually told you?
I knew that you had been throwing up but thought it was because of your medical condition from when you was younger ( I think I mentioned in my eating disorder story that when I was around six years old I was throwing up a lot after I had eaten and there was something wrong with my digestive system so I had tests done and they thought that I had Stomach Emptying Delay). I knew you had been throwing up when I found bits of sick in your toys when you was younger but thought it was due to what you had been seeing the specialist for. If I'm honest I never linked it to thinking you may have had an eating disorder.

In case anybody that is reading this is worried a family member may have an eating disorder, looking back now do you recognise any warning signs that you didn't realise were there at the time?
Yeah loads. Once you find out the actual issue every thing just connects. For example you coming home from school in a jumper in the summer with a bright red face when it was boiling outside and your room used to smell bad and we didn't know why.

When did it first hit you how bad I had actually gotten?
Looking at photos you had printed out the other week made every thing come back seeing how small you had gotten but before that when I came to pick you up from uni and you'd hide under baggy dresses and jumpers thinking I couldn't tell but I would notice when I would hug you. Also when you went back to uni and uploaded photos of your nights out and I could see that you were getting skinnier especially one of you in a blue skirt and white top (Photo below, excuse that it is blurred and the caption). I realised how bad the situation was when I took part in the parent and carers group because they explained what the problem was in more detail and how badly it would be affecting you and they taught me how to deal with it and make it easier for you.



Did you understand it and did you think it was something I would easily be able to get over with help?
I knew from the start that you'd never get over it fully and it would always be there but hoped that you'd learn how to cope with it and fight your way through it, with us their to help you.

Do you think that it affected our home life once you all found out about it?
Yes. It was hard trying to help your brother too. We knew he understood and he was good at dealing with it but it was difficult when buying food because he had to have a box for his chocolate upstairs because we didn't know how you would react having junk food in the house. We didn't know if you was going to be upset or angry. When you would come back from uni we would have a clear out and would stop buying fizzy pop so that you had no empty bottles to be sick in. Your dad found it hard not having you here and thats why every time he spoke to you on the phone he would ask what you had eaten for your tea, it was worrying. We had to learn to try have a tolerance to it and be patient with you and let you deal with things at your own pace. Thats why I found those groups helped because I couldn't talk to people about it as much as I wanted to so I found it helpful to talk to people going through similar things to us.

Did you know anything about eating disorders before all of this happened?
Only really what you read in magazines. I read a lot of magazines and theres always other peoples stories in them.

What was the Hardest part of it all for you?
Not having you here and you being at uni. Not being able to be there for you when things were getting on top of you and not being able to just give you a cuddle but we didn't want you to drop out of uni because you had come so far. It was difficult having to see you deteriorating over photos you'd upload to Facebook but I also wanted to see you upload them so I could keep a check on you.

How did you deal with it/what helped you through it? 
The parents and carers groups. Support from the rest of the family like your grandparents. Knowing you had a good group of friends around you that I could also talk to. Being able to phone Chloe and text Sham (my housemates). I felt like I could talk to them to find out if you was okay or if you had been locking yourself away in your room again. It was also helpful knowing that I had their numbers and they had mine in case they started to notice things too.

Did you ever blame yourself?
Yes. I blamed myself for not noticing and asked myself many a time how could I not have noticed.

Are you now able to recognise when I'm starting to relapse into old behaviours?
Yes, I think. You're a lot more honest about things with me now. I would like to think that you know you can come to me when you're struggling and that we can help each other through it.

Do you have any advice for other parents/carers?
Seek professional help immediately. Be patient and understanding. Don't push them to your pace, they need to do it at their own pace and it won't happen over night. Be prepared to be in it for the long haul. You might have a quiet couple of months and then something can trigger them but hopefully you will have built up a trust with each other so that they feel they can come to talk to you and you can work through it together.




I hope some of you reading this may have found it helpful and if there is any other questions you have for me or my mum leave them in the comments :)

Lorna
xxx

Okay so if you read Mondays post you will know that two years ago on the 6th of February I told my parents about my eating disorder. Previous to me telling them about it, I had managed to keep it a secret from them for 10 years although during those 10 years I did tell a couple of friends about it but had never attempted to seek professional help.

Today marks the two year anniversary of when I first properly started the process of recovery. This time two years ago I could have never imagined that I would have ever got the help and to be honest if it wasn't for the fact that I was drunk I would probably still be dealing with it in secret. This time two years ago I was living the most difficult part of my life so far and it was an emotional week of having to admit things I had been trying to hide for so long to people that I was close to and also doctors who were strangers. I had tried to tell my parents numerous times before but just accepted that I would have to deal with it on my own forever because I was embarrassed and ashamed of what I had been doing. Also the fact I had been dealing with it for 10 years on my own I had convinced myself everything was fine when in reality it was far from it. I think I have said on this blog before that me admitting I had an eating disorder was a very impulsive move that I made when I was very drunk and phoned my mum after a party at university and it did take me a few times to actually get the words out as I was crying so much I couldn't breath and as soon as I actually said it I instantly regretted it and hated myself for doing it but looking back now it is one of the best things I could have ever done as I no longer have to keep this secret and I've been able to get help and support that I've needed for so long.

I can't tell you that things get instantly better because it doesn't, in fact for me personally, I would say things got worse before it got better because I felt like I had to prove to people that I really was ill so I went on self destruct but I am doing so much better than I was this time two years ago. Yes I have bad days and no I'm not fully recovered but I am on the right track and I am so much more aware of why I did those things and when I am most likely to use those behaviours.


The past two years of recovery my weight has been up and down more times than I can count. I was still obsessed with taking photos of my body to check how it was looking. I took my anger out on people who were only trying to help. I spent way too much time in and out of hospitals and the doctors. I had times when I would still starve myself, I still had times when I would binge and purge but I also had people to talk to when I needed somebody to open up to, I had months when I wouldn't use any kind of eating disorder habits, I was able to keep on top of my bloods and heart rate to know if my body was coping, I was able to explain why I was moody or upset. My mum was able to go to a parents group so she could learn how to deal with it and also get support she needed. I have been given nutritional help. I have been part of groups where I have been able to talk to people going through the same things as me. I have learnt so many things that I didn't even know was part of my eating disorder. I have been given a chance to live with out my eating disorder and thats the best thing that I could have been given.

If you have stumbled upon this post then it probably means you're already in the process of figuring out if you should speak out and get the help and I am telling you to do it. You probably will regret it at first as your eating disorder will be telling you you're stupid and you're going to gain weight in recovery but those voices get so much easier to quieten and deal with once you've accepted you have a problem and get the help and support you deserve. Just please do it and if you need any more advice/have a question just comment on here and I will reply.

Since it has been two years since I had a week of telling family, friends and doctors about my eating disorder, I am thinking of doing a post every day for a week and I will do a separate post about when I told my parents, I will do a post with my mum so you can see what your parent/carer might think and then I might also do one on my evaluation at the eating disorder clinic so you know what to expect when you go for yours.

Look out for more posts over the week :)

Lorna
xxx