Today marks the one year anniversary of my last appointment at the eating disorder clinic. This time last year I would have walked out of that hospital, that I spent two years in and out of, proud that I had got that far in recovery that I was able to be discharged but at the same time terrified that I would be continuing my recovery process on my own.
This past year without the hospital has been far from easy but it sure has been better than the days I spent stuck in my eating disorder.


The hospital taught me so much to aid my recovery and I will be forever grateful for that and I urge anybody who is dealing with an eating disorder in secret to seek the help!
The past year of dealing with my recovery without the hospital has also taught me a lot.

In the past year I have learnt

• I shouldn't be ashamed of my eating disorder- I used to be so scared people would judge me because of my disorder because of all the stigmas that surround it and this is the main reason I kept it a secret for ten years before telling my family and seeking help. I now wish I had done it earlier and if anybody does judge me for it then they aren't people that are worth having in my life.
• How to deal with falling back into old habits-  As I have said many times in my monthly updates through out this year I have had bad days. Recovery is hard and when you're so used to dealing with your emotions through food and the control of food when something happens (for example when my grandma passed away) it is hard not to fall back into those old eating disorder behaviours and I have slipped up a few times in this year of recovery but unlike the years before I now know not to just think oh well you've ruined your recovery now might as well continue these behaviours. I can now look at why I have fallen back into these behaviours, accept that it happened but know that I'm strong enough to find other coping mechanisms and pick myself back up again.
• To be more open about my feelings- Again something I discuss a lot in my posts is that Im not very good at talking about how I feel. However this past year I haven't had a therapist to talk to, and because of that when I'm feeling down I have learnt to go to my mum and talk to her about it because she's always there to help me. If I'm having eating disorder thoughts again, I know that I can go to my mum and tell her and then because I've been honest with her I know she will be more aware and will help me to not fall back into it. 
• To trust people- I know this sounds very dramatic and I don't mean it to. In the past if somebody gave me a compliment I would think oh they're only saying it because they're my friend or family member or if it was a stranger I would just think they were lying or joking about. I now know its just my own insecurities and people can mean what they say. 
• Not to push people away- This is something I used to do A LOT. I would do it with friends and family members when my eating disorder was at its worst because I just wanted to be on my own. I would do it with guys if they ever told me they liked me or would try to flirt I would push them away because I didn't want to let anyone be close to me but during this past year I met a stranger, told them about my eating disorder (whilst he was still a stranger. Something I don't do)  expecting him to run miles away but he didn't and I've been in a relationship with him for almost a year and now have somebody that I trust and can talk to when I'm not feeling my best. 
• That it's okay to cut people out of your life- If people only bring stress and upset to you, especially  in the stages of recovery its okay to stop contacting them. You don't even have to explain yourself to them if you don't want to. Just get rid of them. Recovery is hard enough and you don't need toxic people just adding more drama to your life.